So I've been feeling a little bit melancholic today.

Which is most probably the culmulation of being sick on and off for the last two weeks.

And me being me (yes I'm human too), I hundred percent failed to practice the things I talk about here as well as with my therapy clients.

And found myself really struggling with this feeling today.

Not liking that it's there.

Not liking the way it made me feel.

Where if you sit down and think about it, it's such a funny thing to try and chase away your own feelings.

Almost like an internal tug of war for control.

"Go away feeling! I don't want you here".

"No!", it seems to want to say.

Tugging me along yet even harder still.

No clear winner for the rest of today.

But alas, it finally dawned upon me that, doh, here I was doing this again.

Struggling and resisting my own feelings.

Trying to force myself to somehow be okay.

So what I did was to do the opposite of all of the above instead.

And I just let myself sit and let this feeling be.

Getting in nice and snug with this feeling of being "not okay".

Remembering that this feeling won't last forever.

Remembering what is in my control.

And letting myself draw, create and relax, and even making up this little post.

Where somehow between then and to this exact moment in time...

This feeling left, all so quietly, and the rain has stopped for today.

Take care,

Hernping

️☔

#acceptanceandcommitmenttherapy #acttherapy #feelings #acceptance #mindfulness #sgmentalhealth #mentalhealthsingapore #rainclouds

Because how on earth would you ever learn to handle something you weren't allowed to have in the first place?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

You were just never taught how to feel, how to regulate.

You and I, we were simply told to stop feeling altogether instead.

And that was never meant to be the way.

I can't tell you enough how often this question gets asked to me.

If there's "something wrong" with me for feeling this way.

Or if there's "something wrong" with me for not being able to STOP feeling that way.

Nothing is wrong with you at all.

For we CANNOT fault a person for not being able to ride a bicycle if they were never taught or showed how to.

More so if they were never allowed to be near a bicycle in the first place.

And so often when we trace back to the root of this thing called "emotional dysregulation"...

We find that the real problem was not an inability to do so at all.

But the lack of a safe place to LEARN how to do so, and the lack of a safe adult who was emotionally present enough to show us how.

Because, really, it's okay to feel sad, anxious, upset, angry and whatever it is you feel.

Emotions are not bad things, even these so-called "negative" ones too.

Emotions are just... Emotions.

Each carrying a message and a purpose.

And it's through being ALLOWED to feel them in the first place that we also learn to be okay with them (what we call "acceptance" - meaning to not struggle against or avoid).

And in being OKAY with them that we learn to LISTEN to them.

And by LISTENING to them that we understand what we NEED in that moment.

And in fulfilling that we NEED that we regulate.

Getting ourselves to feel safe and complete again.

Like we all deserve to feel.

So to everyone out there who ponders if there's something wrong with you because of this.

Know that that's not true.

It's not your fault.

Take you time, learn to feel.

Like me, like many others along the way, we will learn how to do what we were never taught.

And we will be okay (even when we don't feel okay).

Take care,

Hernping

To everyone out there who feels like you've lost your voice.

I acknowledge how difficult things must be for you.

To keep it all in.

To never share how your thoughts.

To feel like you can talk about how you really, really feel.

It's such a lonely place to be in.

It's a place no one deserves to be in at all.

You and I, we might do this for all sorts of reasons.

Perhaps we don't want to upset the other person.

Nor do we want to feel like we are hurting them either.

Or maybe we've come to believe that whatever we feel is too much.

That we no longer have the "right" to share this with the other.

But that's not true.

It's absolutely not true at all.

Because, believe it or not, your feelings do matter.

And it's through sharing our feelings that we actually get closer.

Because it's vulnerability that builds real connection.

It's genuineness that fosters true friendships.

And it's shared understanding of each other that cements that all in.

Plus to tell your the truth, if you do share your feelings and the other person turns into an argument?

Then that's not on you.

That's on them.

Because your job is never to manage other people's feelings, that's a trauma response.

Your job is to manage your own, and then share how you feel in a genuine and healthy way.

Like:

"I felt really upset when you said this the other day".

"I need you to hear me out and acknowledge how I feel".

"Would that be okay?"

Because that's perfectly okay.

You are allowed to share your feelings.

Always.

You've got this,

Hernping

P. S. Your feelings are always, always valid.

To the soul out there who feels like you're a major letdown.

Who feels like you've made the people around you suffer because of you.

I get how horrible you feel.

That you feel like such a disappointment.

That you feel like such a burden too.

That despite how hard you're trying each day, you still can't seem to "shake out of it".

Passing all of those "bad" emotions to your loved ones around you against your will.

And it sucks when the people you love get affected by you.

It sucks to think that you're causing pain.

It sucks especially when you also know...

That that's the last thing you'd ever want to do.

--

But remember this, NO ONE ever wants to get into such a state.

NO ONE wants to affect their loved ones still.

But despite this all, there you are still TRYING.

And trying.

Still FIGHTING with what little strength you have to this very moment till.

Because a BIG part of you knows that this current state is NOT who you are.

There's a BIGGER PART of you that you're trying to bring out still.

And if there's one simple message I want you to know today.

It's that this is the REAL PART OF YOU.

Not the hurt, not the trauma.

The part of you that wants to love, hope, make the ones around you happy?

That's the absolute REALEST part of you.

So focus on that instead okay?

You are still healing after all.

What matters most of all is that you're still there trying.

And as long as you do, I guarantee you'll get there.

I believe in you, and so should you still.

Take care,

Hernping

Because frankly, if you are monster for getting triggered, then I am a monster too.

A few days ago I got really really triggered.

I felt an immense sense of loneliness and emptiness I used to feel, for what would seem like no good reason at all.

But this feeling kinda tore at me.

And made me feel all out of sorts.

I wish I could tell you that this suffering was the end of it but it wasn't like that all.

Because triggers are hard to go through alone and who was next to me when I was triggered?

...

Unfortunately it was my dear wife of course.

So without really going into it (the shame!) but also to keep this message short, I wasn't being the best husband I could be at that time.

My wife got the brunt of my triggers.

And I was later filled with remorse.

But what got me out of this triggered state was taking a moment to go deep into myself.

Trying to nderstand this feeling that came up, and asking myself where on earth it came from.

What showed up for me was a distant memory - of a time when I was a kid.

A time when I had just lost my mother and I was all on my own feeling empty.

The memory was clear - I was on holiday with my dad and younger brother in malacca but for some reason I was all alone in a swimming pool.

Floating around by myself, grieving a bit.

Feeling really lonely all on my own.

So instead of carrying on the day being triggered, I went to this little kid within me.

I gave him a hug, and told him that I understood how he was feeling, and that what he went through wasn't easy at all.

"You just lost your mother" I said.

"It's hard for a kid to carry this all on your own".

But I also said to him this, that

"I'll be here for no matter what, let me help you carry this pain"

"But we have a wife over there waiting for us. Look at her, isn't she the most wonderful human being we've known"

"So know this okay, that we are no konger alone anymore. Take your time, but when you're ready, we need to go back to her".

And with a bit of time, that kid in me nodded and came along.

And we embraced the rest of the day, together.

Take care,

Hernping

This is the story of the hardest journey I have ever been on.

The journey of learning to reconnect with "myself" again.

For the longest time in my life, I had no idea what having a sense of "self" was.

Because what does it mean to be "myself" really?

My sense of self in my growing up years was always fragile, ever changing and shifting.

With certain friends, I was the fun and funny one.

With others, I was quiet and sensitive one.

With yet others, I was always the kind, considerate and giving one, willing to sacrifice myself so that others could be happy.

Because you see, for me, I thought growing up was all about learning to "fit in".

I had a massive fear of abandonment.

A massive fear of being alone.

But what that also meant was that my sense of self was always built on the perceptions of others.

That I was only funny if others thought I was funny.

That I was only sensitive, kind, considerate, if others thought I was so as well.

But the danger of this was that I had built "myself"on the whims of others.

And that's fragile.

Because I can't tell you how many times I've felt disappointed, excluded, ashamed...

And so alone.

So who am I really?

What does it mean to find my sense of "self" again?

Well, for me, the answer first lies in accepting my story, the one that tells the narrative of my life.

That I was a troubled kid, one who went through a traumatic past and who struggled growing up.

But a kid who merely wanted to fit in.

Through healing, I learned to stop being ashamed of that kid and accept him just as he is.

Because he didn't choose to go through this either, and that it was never his fault.

Second, it's also about learning that we can never build a sense of self based upon how others view us.

Why? Because people will always think what they want to think. We can't control that. Plus, people have their own hurt to face, that they might be projecting on us too.

And the only way to build a true sense of self, really, is to feel proud of who I choose to be each and everyday.

For myself, first of all.

And then for the people that I truly love.

No longer alone.

Always with myself,

Hernping

Sometimes people ask me, "Is it tiring to see people each and every day and listen to their problems?"

Of course it is, there's alot of emotions going on most of the time.

But while this work is tiring I'll have to admit it also thoroughly invigorates me.

Above and beyond the emotions I have to witness and go through during our sessions.

Why?

Well, just yesterday I saw someone who went through too much trauma as a kid - emotional neglect, unloving and dismissive parents, so much so they felt so "small", worthless and utterly defective for the last 30 years of their lives.

For them, talking about their feelings felt wrong.

Life was about giving in to the needs of everybody else other than themselves.

When I asked them too, they even felt like they didn't deserve to build a better life for themselves at all.

Because they didn't feel they were worth it.

This pain was BIG.

But then.

Their courage was BIGGER.

Because while it was hard to talk through all the memories of the past, still we pushed on and walk through every major one of them we did.

And that is no easy task, because it takes courage to go through all this past pain again.

But by doing so, we allow ourselves to see a different perspective of the past, which is what this person realised too, saying:

"I finally see how much my younger self went through now. They didn't deserve that all".

But that was not the end of the thought, because this same person went on to say:

"But I also see that I'm no longer the same person I was in the past - I'm no longer that helpless kid. And though that kid is still part of me, I'm a different person now"

Then this person spoke the words below, sending me goosebumps through my spine:

"So from now on, for myself and for that kid inside of me, I really want to choose to LIVE".

And right there, again, for the umpteenth time this week - my heart sings.

Take care,

Hernping

Made this post for a past self of mine.

For that youth who was always swayed to be who others wanted him to be.

To feel like he always had to be that funny and nice guy.

To feel like he always had to be interested in whatever else everyone was interested in.

To feel like to say "no" would leave him ostracised, criticised and then perhaps abandoned.

The youth who gave into the fear, but lost who he was in the process.

And the same youth who spent many nights sleepless, wondering why he couldn't just be himself.

To that youth, this inner child of mine, I want you to know that I'm still proud of what you've done.

You did what you had to, to fit in.

You didn't know any better at that time too.

I'm not ashamed of you at all.

You got us to where we are now.

And look where we are!

We are helping others who suffered just like we did.

So again, I'm proud of you okay?

Let's never be afraid of our voice.

Who knew that our voice would become strength for others too.

I hope you're proud of what we've done too.

(The inner child in me feels warm. Nodding, and says "yes").

Take care,

Hernping

P. S. I was never interested in football / soccer. But would spend alot of time as a youth trying to act interested because that's what all my friends were doing.

Oof!

To us being ourselves again, let's keep going everyone!

#sgmentalhealth #mentalhealthsingapore #mentalhealthmovement #sglife #peoplepleasing #childhoodtrauma #complextrauma #innerchildhealing #mentalhealthsg

I've been feeling more and more disillusioned by so-called mental health organisations in Singapore.

And one of my biggest worries is that I'll end up like many of them.

That my (or my social enterprise's) selling point becomes the claim that a minister or some random MP (Minister of Parliament) supports what we do.

Even though, by experience, many of them don't have a clue or genuinely care about mental health is at all.

That maybe my focus should be bringing in more "well-known" or reputable names in as well.

Perhaps, doctor this and psychiatrist that.

Even though I well know that many of these doctors will just be in it for the money and reputation.

(Yes, I'm prepared to be flamed for this post).

Then we also have our mental health organisations whose main feature is a list of all the corporate clients they've partnered in.

Btw, this week I was asked to be a founding member of Singapore FIRST EVER employee wellbeing champion network.

Which in all honest truth, I think is another poorly thought out initiative - placing the onus on the individual employee to seek help, to regulate themselves...

When really it's the organisation and leaders who need to lead and promote this change instead.

A one hour long mindfulness or therapy session isn't going to solve a toxic working culture.

I've also recently attended various fund raising events - one, an organisation that boasts more than a million "touch points".

Fine details though: this includes online and offline touch points as well. Shall we consider a flyer a touch point too?

So to tell you the truth - I simply don't care about any of this.

What I really care about is if we are making real change here.

Not the MPs, not the doctors, not the publicity, but what the organisation is doing at its core.

How it's helping actual "people" - again not a touch point, but people in a very real way.

And why am I doing this myself then?

Because I was once broken, perhaps still am too.

But that's enough for me to keep going, one human being at a time, and keep on doing it still.

Because although more stars and glitters might get me the funds, it's all just going to be fluff.

And that's helping no one.

Hernping

Still fighting for this cause.

I put quotation marks between the word "healthy" because this isn't always the easiest thing to do.

Even after being married for years, sometimes I'm still a mean monster to my wife too.

Saying things like:

And saying:

Instead of using statements that start with "I", like:

And it's not very nice that sometimes I expect her to read my mind...

When really what I could've done was to tell her what I needed and what I would like her to do.

LASTLY, no one likes to be forced into an argument when they are already overwhelmed and need some time to chill.

But I also know that all of us here are really works-in-progress...

Including me, including my wife and whoever matters to you.

So go easy on this one okay? It takes time for us to unlearn patterns that we have gotten too used to.

Because what matters most of all is that you're willing to put in the work.

And to be the best for yourself and your loved ones too.

To my wife the fellow mean-monster.

Know that I love you.

Take care,

Hernping

In any relationship conflict, there are hearts that are hurting.

And a hurting heart doesn't get to heal when all we do is try to explain our own perspectives.

And why we did what we did.

But not take the time to hear how or why it hurt them.

And our own hurting heart doesn't get to heal if we don't share how we feel either.

And if our hurt isn't acknowledged or understood.

So if you're going through a relationship conflict with someone you love right now...

Take a pause with them please.

Ask them how they feel.

Or otherwise, ask them if you can share with then how you feel too.

Perhaps something like:

"So I need you to listen to how I felt about what happened and try to understand why I feel the way I feel okay?"

(and then I want to understand how you feel too. Because despite this hurt, I still love you)

Take care,

Hernping

It's been 2 years since we started IASH.SG, and boy, look how far we've come.

It really all started off with a handful of people who saw a big problem with the way mental health support could be accessed in Singapore.

For one, we know that there's still stigma attached to seeking help - friends may not be supportive, seeking help might be thought of as "weak" etc.

I'm glad to say that this perception has slowly been changing due to efforts of many mental initiatives and organisations through the recent years.

And on our part, we will keep doing this through our content, media and all our community efforts too - it's a combined effort country-wide, world-wide.

Let's keep going.

But specifically for IASH.SG, what we really wanted to do was to target mental health support on THREE very specific fronts.

1. Accessibility: Breaking down the barriers to seeking help.

2. Affordability: Making professional help not crazy-expensive too.

3. Community: And creating a sense of belonging and safety outside the therapy room.

With Accessibility, beyond the long waiting times, one of the barriers that many people face is that it's downright SCARY to reach out to speak to a mental health professional - especially if you don't know anything about them, you don't get to choose who you wish to speak to, and you have to walk in to a hospital to arrange an appointment etc.

I mean, we've all heard horror stories of what is meant to be our "gold-standard" mental health institution (a-hem) in Singapore right?

And then there's no guarantee that after all that, you'll be able to find a good fit with that professional too.

So how do we make that first line of reaching out less scary?

Well, that's how our Hear Buds service was started - an entirely volunteer-based, free, online peer support service that anyone who's unsure about the above can speak to.

And what was special about the Hear Buds was that these are people who were willing to be open and vulnerable themselves, sharing their own experiences with mental health on our social media and on their profile pages too.

And two years on, we are still going.

To all our hear buds out there reading this, thank you for being here. Well done :)

Since then, we've also expanded beyond the 1:1 and into Community-based efforts through our volunteer-run content, events and support groups.

Here, I wanted to give thanks to all our volunteers who helped to create and facilitate these events - to Audrey, Brian, Huda, Leon, June, Daniel, Tanisa, Jackyln, Xuhan etc - there are too many of you to name here, but thank you for all that you've done.

Just within our small little group, we've helped to bring hundreds experiencing mental health struggles together:

• Running doodle and art events

• More informal boardgame nights and potlucks

• Hiking and mindfulness walks

• Various mental health talks

• Depression and anxiety support groups

• Creating video content that has touched the lives of others and make them feel less alone.

• And our ongoing discord server which has about 500+ members at this current point.

Well done, we need to continue on this endeavour!

On the Affordability side, we started our counselling services last year in 2022.

We were fortunate enough to link up with another charity to set up two small counselling rooms in cozy Holland Village.

Here, the public could see a trained counsellor from $60 a session, and on top of that receive up to 30% off if they are a student, or in need of financial aid etc.

We even leveraged on crowd-funding efforts, through donations and merchandise, so we could set up a "special subsidy fund" that would almost full subsidise the therapy for certain youths.

Unfortunately, things turned sour for us with the other charity - our rent was increased 3 times in a span of months, they wouldn't fix a broken aircon (and even doorbell!), and they even sneakily started advertising the rooms we furnished to create their own counselling service too.

It was quite the big falling out - and really, the fault was not on our part at all.

So, despite our counselling services there still going strong, it's time that IASH.SG found its own home.

IASH.SG will be finding its own home in 2024 :)

I won't give away our new secret location (but also still not confirmed haha), but it's going to be HUGE space and is situated near a lovely park too.

It's going to cost us a bit of funds to set up - we are still in the midst of looking for grants to help with renovation etc.

The rent is going to be higher than what it was previously - but I have the confidence we will figure this out.

Here's some of the things I'm planning ahead that I'd love to share with you.

First, we are going from two counselling rooms to FIVE!

It's been a bit of a squeeze where we are currently sometimes, and sometimes we have all rooms maxed out.

I also hope to have one of our new rooms rooms set up for play therapy so we can help younger children too. We'll also be growing the number of counsellors we have to take on clients. We expect that the new area we are moving to would also see more volume.

It's also high-time that we make a nice little reception for our clients too. So I'm glad we finally have our own space to do this.

To Mia, Nina, Amy and all our other counsellors who've been on this journey with me, thank you for sticking all the way through.

Let's build our new home together, okay?

Second, we are creating a permanent community space!

Again, this space we hope to rent is HUGE.

So half of it will be dedicated to creating this cozy event and community space - think cushions, sofas, books laying around, gentle music, boardgames etc.

In terms of actual plans for what we plan to do with the space day to day, at the moment I'm still not fully sure.

So don't mind if I just toss some of my ideas below okay?

• We can open up this space to volunteers and community members who needs a little space away from the stress - with a mindfulness corner, self-help book library, cozy chairs and sofas to just spend time recuperating in.

• We can also have volunteers helping to run this space, speaking to those who need a listening ear too.

• We will grow the number of events since we have the space to ourselves - more talks, peer support groups, panel discussions, special guests, boardgame nights, mindfulness practices - all around, more accessible mental health communities too.

• We can dedicate a corner to recording a more consistent and ongoing podcast

• We also have a place to put up our merchandise for display too.

• We can collab with other mental health organisations to run events in that space as well - perhaps even do a mini-mental health festival :)

We do need to figure out the bit of extra revenue we need to hit monthly to pay for rental of this space - I'm still working this out in my brain - but probably we'll need to create some paid but value-add workshops too, e.g. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Class, mindfulness workshops etc.

Still, I think there's alot of potential of what we can do together here. Let's keep growing and keep dreaming of big things!

Third (and probably the most boring bit), one big change we'll need to embrace is to set up a proper volunteer management programme.

So far, it's been done quite informally, and we haven't had the funds to hire a full time trained staff for this. Not to mention, it is a trained role and not easy to come by.

We've also had quite a few issues with volunteer management on and off - no surprises here, especially since there isn't alot of training yet for our volunteer leaders who currently manage quite a number of volunteers, nor do we have all the right control structures figured out - this is something we're going to have to put a lot of work into.

The good news is, we are now a registered social enterprise, and next year, we plan to engage the Youth Corp internship programme to get the help of various interns to run the community space as well as help out in the volunteer management.

This means, better engagement for all our wonderful volunteers as well, more hands to help onboard our VERY LONG WAITLIST of interested volunteer applicants, and much needed help to make our new home a safe haven and community for many.

So, all in all, exciting times forward.

Let's keep going IASH.SG!

P.s. I'll be using this blog post as a continue work-in-progress to dump down my thoughts and plans okay?

P.s.2. this is cute picture of a kitten for you.

So I've always been someone who likes to "plan things out".

Because I'm sure you feel this way too, but it always feels reassuring to know what will happen next.

It makes me feel safe.

It makes the near future seem less daunting.

It makes me feel like I'm in control of things again.

But sometimes, as much as I want to plan and plan, I still can't control how things will turn out.

I can't control if it rains tomorrow.

But I can make wet weather plans.

I can't control if my wet weather plans turn out fine - my umbrella spoils, the place I'm going to is unexpectedly closed, or I somehow slip and fall before any of that happens.

I can't control it if the people I plan to meet suddenly fall ill and can't make it either.

For you see, a dozen things can go wrong even if we make the best plans.

And that's the true nature of things, much of life is outside our control.

If it has to do with the future and other people, then a bulk of this is simply out of our hands.

So then how do we reconcile the safety and reassurance that you and I have always seeked?

Well the first is to recognise that the big bluff and illusion has always been this - that safety has never been about controlling the "situation" at all - just as I've already shared in the reasons above.

And second, that safety can really only come from knowing that we, ourselves, will still be able to keep ourselves safe no matter what.

Validating ourselves if something bad happens.

Loving ourselves even with disappointment.

Trusting ourselves to know how to respond.

For the only thing we can really control in this world, is how we react in each present moment.

So in this present moment, how about we take some time to breathe and remind ourselves again.

That right now, we are safe.

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing.

You are safe right now as I am too.

And that we can always tap back into this knowledge and feeling.

No matter what.

Safely with you,

Me

This is for all you childhood trauma survivors out there.

Where perhaps like me..

Your childhood trauma is showing up as perfectionism or a fear of criticism.

Perhaps as staggering anxiety.

Perhaps you might feel this ongoing sense of defectiveness about yourself.

A feeling that you can't seem to shake, since it's so deeply ingrained.

Or perhaps like "K" to whom I'm dedicating this post too..

Perhaps you blame yourself for not being a "better" child at times.

That at times, you were angry and resentful back then.

That at others, you might have been unkind too.

But it's led you to carry this bit of guilt and shame, wondering if, really, you've just always been this "bad" person inside.

Just like "K", just like me.

But to you out there..

You never deserved to feel this way.

You deserved to be safe and loved just for being you.

And if you carry one of the feelings I mentioned above, know that there's an inner child inside you waiting to know this too.

Waiting to be comforted, waiting to be relieved from this burden.

An inner child who never wanted to be angry or unkind.

An inner child who never deserved to constantly worry about the next criticism, abuse or punishment.

An inner child who didn't need to strive so hard to be "perfect" or "good all the time".

Because if there's one thing you deserved back then, it was to have the innocent and wonderful experience of simply being a child.

And a child who felt steadfastly loved at that.

Take care,

Hernping

To "K" Let's keep going let's set our inner child free

#sgmentalhealth #mentalhealthsingapore #mentalhealthmovement #mentalhealthsg #innerchildhealing #childhoodtrauma

Sometimes life just doesn't go the way we want it to go.

And when that happens, it's okay to be sad.

To be disappointed.

To feel anguished, aggrieved, overwhelmed or exhausted.

To even feel a little depressed too.

I don't know where the expectation that you had to be "okay all the time" came from for you.

Perhaps it was your upbringing, perhaps it's the people you grew up with or spent the most time with.

Perhaps it was your parents or teachers, or the various social environments you spent time in.

That somehow told you that if you're "not okay"...

Then something must be wrong with you.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being not okay at all.

Nor is there anything wrong with feeling any of the above feelings.

Because really, there is not a single person in this world who is happy all the time.

We all go through ups and downs for a reason.

The ups remind us of the experiences that makes our life happy, exciting and worth living.

Reminders of the presence of an ongoing life that needs to be celebrated and cherished.

And the downs are signals that something we care about deeply needs to be addressed.

Signals that we are meant to feel, to turn towards, and to process.

And whether they point towards big things or little things, they are still all things that matter to us.

And that's why we cannot ignore these feelings and pretend to be okay when we are really not.

We need to take the time to figure out why we feel this way. Then to realign and refocus on what is truly important to us.

It's a process of figuring things out, learning, adapting.

With no timeline other than your own.

So it absolutely doesn't matter if it takes a day, a few weeks, a few months.

It's still okay to not be okay.

It just means that you're human, a human who craves for a life worth living and existing in.

And a human that deeply cares.

All the while relishing life as an experience, and the whole range of transient, beautiful feelings that we feel inside.

Isn't that magnificent? Being such colourful people?

I think it is.

Take care,

Hernping

️

#sgmentalhealth #mentalhealthsingapore #mentalhealthsg #feelings

One of the greatest privileges in my life has been to hear the most intricate stories of people.

Stories that may speak of the darkness of depression.

The overwhelming feelings of anxiety or the unrelenting chase for perfection.

Stories of failures, and of the many difficulties of a life lived with trauma.

And even stories for some of those who have creeped too close to the edge of being the end.

What saddens me the most is the common thread that underlies most of the stories of these people.

People just like me and, perhaps, people just like you.

People who just want to be accepted for who they are, and people who just yearn to be loved too.

And though I will readily admit that there was time I couldn't see it, what I do see now is that..

All of us here, and yes, I do mean even you...

Are worthy and have always been worthy, just as you are.

And worthy of being accepted and loved just for being you.

It's not your fault that the people in your life don't see this.

Because perhaps this is the truth.

That they probably struggle with the idea that they are worthy too.

And so the hurt is passed on.

Hurt people hurt people.

--

But healed people will go on to heal others too.

--

So to you out there who is on your journey of healing and reading this.

Well done, keep going please.

Because one day, I believe you will truly appreciate this message too.

Where you will finally understand that you are worthy.

And you have always been, just like me, and just like every single person I've had the privilege of meeting too.

Take care,

Hernping

This practice is from Russ Harris, one of the lead researchers on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).

I made this worksheet for my clients, feel free to use it too :)

Hernping

PDF Below too.

Don't get me wrong - if this works for you, then great.

That's awesome, keep going.

You keep doing you please.

But the problem is when people start to preach this as a way of life to others around them.

That to me is downright toxic.

Because I've seen this happen so many times before, in the organisational context and in the therapy context too.

Leaders who encourage a stressed-out or unhappy employee to just keep up a "positive mindset".

To keep their heads down and turn down the "negativity".

Even when they have the right to be worried and even when they are beyond the brink of being burnt out too.

That's toxic leadership. That's a lack of empathy at its core.

I've also seen this with parents who invalidate how their children feel.

"Stop being so upset. You're making everyone else in the family upset."

Is also another phrase for "you are such a burden and so are your feelings too".

That's toxic parenting. That starts your child on the path of lifelong trauma.

And I've seen this in relationships as well, where a partner is called to be too "emotional" or "too sensitive".

Somehow expected to just be okay when they don't feel okay at all.

Even blaming them for the way they feel, because how they feel is what's "causing" the problems.

That's not just toxic. That's taking someone on an emotional guilt trip too.

For there is one truth and one truth only.

How someone feels is always, ALWAYS valid.

Because how someone feels is not based on our perspectives.

It's based on THEIRS.

If what they are experiencing is chaos, then that's the truth for them right now.

And if you really want to care - listen, understand, empathise.

And if you don't, then stop pretending to. At the very least, don't invalidate or guilt trip them.

And for once and for all, let's put a stop to this false preaching of a "positive mindset" okay?

We are humans, we can't be positive all the time. If we are, then we are living a great pretense.

Negative emotions have a purpose to them - they tell us that something's wrong, that we need to rest, be loved, be safe, connect etc.

Let's not avoid them - that's toxic - we need to listen to them to really heal.

Hernping

This is a post about self compassion.

A practice that I'll readily admit is not easy to do.

Because maybe, like me, you have a part of you that feels unworthy...

Or ashamed and undeserving of love too.

You see, there's a term for such parts of ourselves.

We call them "exiles" in psychotherapy.

For me, one of my exiles was a past version of myself...

A youth that used to be creative and carefree.

But this was also the same youth who was criticised by my peers.

Shamed as being unsophisticated, "stupid" and immature.

Even though back then all I wanted to do was to be myself and enjoy my life.

Instead I tucked this part of myself away.

And hid him away from the world.

Pretending to like things that I didn't like, and pretending to be smarter than I was.

All the while feeling a little fragile, pretending to be a person I knew I wasn't.

Hiding away the "real" me.

But the truth is, this was also a part of me that never actually went away.

It remained inside as a deep seated wound.

Sometimes showing up as resentment to others.

Sometimes showing up as fear of criticism too.

But in my internal world, what it often showed up as...

Was a shame of being who I "really" am at my root.

So here I am, bringing this part of me out.

Drawing whatever I want and writing whatever I want too.

To this part of me, i don't want to "exile" you anymore.

Come on out, let's flourish together for good.

Love,

Hernping

I'm often amazed at what this slightest bit of change can do for couples and families.

Turning a space that was maybe what once was a dismissive one.

Or an invalidating one.

Or a "too quick to problem solve" one.

Into a genuinely safe and caring one.

We all need words to tell that "other person" in our life.

That, yes, we do need them.

We do love them.

But we also need the space to feel and heal.

And that this is how they can learn to do so for us too.

That said though, this isn't always the easiest thing to communicate.

Perhaps the relationship was never built on such a communicative basis.

Or that emotions might be uncomfortable for the other to sit with.

Or that we ourselves are apprehensive about burdening them with our emotions.

But relationships need to feel safe in order for them to be real.

And safe enough for us to feel like we can be vulnerable too.

To share how we feel.

To be told that it's okay to feel what we feel.

For isn't safety and vulnerability the foundation for any of us to heal?

Feeling blessed to have seen this happen in many couples and families.

Even ones that started as the total opposite of safety and vulnerability.

In particular, I feel blessed to see this happen today too..

Between two individuals that make a beautiful couple.

Doing the best for each other in order to heal.

So I'm dedicating this post to the lovely D&A.

Glad to have journeyed along with the both of you too.

Take care,

Hernping