Lost and found.

Musings on my search for "home".

Sometimes I reminisce about that feeling of being "lost".

That feeling of being profoundly alone.

No sign of any anchor.

Listlessly searching.

Feeling like a transient and insignificant useless being roaming through the world.

And whatever it is that I'm searching for?

Nothing seems to give me the answer.

Making me wonder if what I was looking for just can't seem to be found.

But the truth is, maybe I was looking for this in all the wrong places.

Some of them, in very wrong places too.

For example, in superficial connections and parties and many other exhilarations.

But that's all they ended up being, superficial, exhilarating - no doubt - but in the end that's all they end up being too.

And for some reason in all of my deeper connections back then, they didn't work out as well.

Why? Straight up because I ruined them.

Somehow a part of me knew this wasn't what I was looking for too.

So I gave up on them somehow.

Or they gave up on me.

And whatever it was that I was looking for?

Was still missing too.

The memory that strikes me the most when I think about this lost feeling was back in my twenties when I was living in Sydney, Australia.

You see, I made myself a very nice home of the place too.

I lived in a cool suburb called Pyrmont, in a tiny apartment I rented. Decorating it with ikea furniture I fixed up myself, vibey paintings I got from art markets, and books that I read and loved.

But what I'll always remember were the walks back to this home.

That side road, that alley, walking back during the evenings and at night.

It felt like I was going back to emptiness.

Somehow a home filled with lovely things, but still not a home "home". .

For I was still stuck with this feeling.

Lost and wanting to go home.

And you ask, am I home now?

The answer is yes.

I'm more than home now.

Because I first found a home in myself, no longer searching for something else.

Opening all the previously locked doors and found in there other parts of myself.

The ones who were waiting to be found all this time, no longer lost.

Then I opened the door to others too.

And invited them all in :)

Take care,

Hernping

#home

#healing