Sitting at the edge of a ship looking out at sea.

Yours truly, ever so insignificantly. Written by Clary

TW: thoughts of dying.

I'm sitting at the edge of my ship with so many scary thoughts in my head. The ocean is scary at night, but right now I fear myself more.

I'm listening to other party boats having the time of their lives, which just magnifies how i’m feeling.

This great sense of insignificance, as if, if i disappeared into the sea right now, no one would really care too much.

Today i jumped into the sea. To swim. Without a life jacket even though i can barely tread water. The last time i jumped into a deep body of water many years ago, I felt a sense of excitement, and also fear.

But this time, the fear was missing.

I think fear is a good thing. I think it’s a good thing to value life. It means life has some reason to value.

It scares me that right before i jumped, all i thought was “it’s okay, i wna die anyway”.

I look back to all the things I've done somewhat recklessly, things that people snidely comment about. That i should be more careful. To have more fear for my life.

That they wouldnt do these things if they were me.

If they were me. that’s a funny thought. sometimes i stare privilege in the face and i wonder how lucky it must be.

How lucky it must be to not constantly want to disappear.

How lucky to sit at the edge of the boat and think of how wonderful the view is, instead of it all getting overshadowed.

i wna be able to be happy without carrying this gaping hole of emptiness.

But i am lucky arent I?

To be able to sit at the edge of a boat, contemplating the complexities that come with life. Being surrounded by pretty limestone islands, with tiny lights from other boats illuminating the calm waters below.

Enjoying the cold and the sounds of people fishing and merrymaking. To observe, if not appreciate, the contrast of the highs and lows of life.

Life sucks but it also doesnt. I want to die but i also dont. I guess i just wish that the part of me that appreciates life isnt so small.

Isn't so easily overshadowed.

Yours truly,

Clary

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Clary is a young Singaporean writing, painting and dreaming her way through the world - hoping that one day she'll find her way home again.